Revenge Is My Middle Name
by Angel's Star
Summary: Jack and the crew have gone on a mission to kill all Mary Sues, but one refuses to die. What will happen and how will they get rid of her? Mary Sue basher with possibly some twists.
1. Mother of All Sues

A/N: Just a quick note here: **This story is not meant to make fun of anything anybody else has written. If anything resembles a story someone else has seriously written (not jokingly like this), it was not intentional**. Thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. I only own this Sue, which I made up to make fun of.

Chapter 1

The Mother of All Sues

Jack looked up from the map that lay sprawled out in front of him as his first mate Mr. Gibbs entered his quarters. The man looked exhausted from days of fast paced travel and the hard work that accompanied said travel. The captain had been in a rush to find her and now hopefully he had. This one woman would solve all his problems.

"Cap'n," Gibbs said, trying to catch his breath, "We've fin'ly arrived."

"Good!" Jack quickly stood and placed his hat on his head, his overcoat around his shoulders, and followed his first mate out onto the deck of the Pearl. A small island lay before them with a single house on it. Smoke rose from the chimney and a woman stood outside, bent down over her garden.

"That her, Cap'n?" Gibbs asked almost warily with squinted eyes. The glare from the water almost blocked their view of her and the house.

Jack pulled a small spyglass from his coat pocket and put it to his eye. He remained silent for a moment as he studied the woman in the yard. Finally, he returned it to his pocket and shook his head. "No, she mus' be inside. Prepare the longboat."

"Aye, Cap'n," Gibbs quickly turned and began shouting at the already exhausted crew. They wearily untied the boat and managed to lower it into the shimmering water below. "S'ready,

Cap'n."

"Good work, men," Jack said to the crew in general as he walked to the rail and peered over the side at the longboat. "Mind th' ship and take a rest."

The delighted crew quickly set about lowering the anchor before taking their first break of the day.

"Jack," Will began, watching the island carefully, "are you sure this woman will solve all our problems?"

"Course I'm sure!" Jack said quickly as a few of the crew climbed down into the longboat. "Have I ever been unsure about something this important?"

Will took a moment to consider the question before deciding it best not to answer. He merely shrugged in response. Jack was the captain, after all, and it would be best not to give him an answer he did not want.

"That's what I thought," Jack said with a smug grin before turning and climbing down he rope ladder on the side of the Pearl.

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"Can ya see 'er, cap'n?" Gibbs whispered to Jack. The group of pirates had successfully arrived on the island without being spotted by its residents. Now, they stooped behind a large boulder that shielded them from the people inside the house.

"Aye," Jack responded quietly and turned to face his crew. "Remember, men, she'll prob'ly try ta throw 'er charm on ya, but you've got ta ignore 'er, savvy? We've got ta get rid of 'er…or else…"

The crew crouched solemnly behind the boulder, all eyes on the captain. None wanted to think about what "or else" implied. It would be nothing good, they could figure that much themselves.

"Come on," Jack quickly whispered before turning and making his way out from behind the boulder. The crew followed, weapons bared, ready for action.

They crept up along the side of the house, trying to surround all possible exits so as to make sure she would not escape. As soon as Jack was sure all the windows and doors had a crew member stationed at it, he nodded to Gibbs who threw open the front door and barged in.

A woman screamed in fright and dropped the cauldron of hot water she was carrying. At the sound of her scream, the other members of the crew burst into the house. Windows shattered and doors swung violently on their hinges.

The woman turned and tried to make a dash to one of the back rooms, but one of the pirates blocked her way. She turned back towards the front door where Jack and Gibbs stood. With tears of fear rolling down her cheeks and her brown hair falling out of its bun, she dropped to her knees, gazing up at Jack.

"Please," she whispered through terrified sobs, "don't hurt me. I'm just the maid, I don't own anything of any value."

Gibbs looked to Jack who was still studying the woman. The captain put his pistol back in his belt and asked, "Wha's yer name?"

"Mary," she replied, still shaking with fear.

"It's not 'er, men," Jack stated simply, turning his attention away from the frightened woman. "Search th' house for anyone else."

The pirates quickly dispersed into the back rooms of the house. Jack and Gibbs followed along behind at a distance. As soon as they were away from the door, Mary made a dash for it, escaping into the open.

Another woman's screams filled the air and the crew soon dragged her from her hiding spot. Jack made his way to the front of the group and gazed down at her. Her wavy, blonde hair fell to her waist and her shimmering blue eyes were filled with anger. Her skin was blemish free and much smoother and softer than any other woman the men had seen. Her pale yellow dress was very well fitted and showed off her very shapely body.

"Wretch!" She screamed angrily, showing off her perfectly straight, white teeth that lye behind her full, red lips.

Jack smirked, already very sure that this was the woman he had been searching for. "Tell me, wha's yer name?"

She jerked her head, causing her shiny blonde hair to fly around her face. "If you must know, it's Maria Jasmine Henrietta Natalie Marie Lucy Stacy Fergie Bob-"

"A'right, yer the woman we're lookin' for!" Jack quickly interrupted so as to avoid standing there for a half hour as she recited her name. "Yer the mother of all Sues."

"And what if I am?" She retorted angrily.

"Men, you know wha' ta do," Jack simply said to the two men who held the Sue's arms. The two grinned to each other and began dragging her out of the house.

"What are you doing?!" She screamed, trying to keep from being tugged out of her house. "If I had my sword, you'd be sorry you-"

She was suddenly cut off by one of the men who had shoved a piece of cloth into her mouth. All the rest of the crew heard was her muffled, yet fading, screams, which was a great relief to their ears. Then they heard a gun shot, which was an even greater relief to their ears.

"Now!" Jack said happily, feeling that a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. "She won't be makin' anymore Sues, so our job is half done, really. Back to the Pearl, men!"

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She was happily walking down the path carrying a basket full of fruits and berries for her mother who she only came to see when she wanted something. Birds were flitting cheerfully around her and squirrels were running up to her feet, begging for a berry. Since she was a nice girl, she would toss them one or two, ignoring the fact that she wouldn't have any for her mother by the time she got to her house.

She opened her emerald green eyes and focused them towards her house. Her feet stopped moving and she stared in disbelief as a couple pirates dragged her mother out of her house. She quickly dropped her basket, spilling its contents, and hid in a nearby bush.

The men threw her mother to the ground and the girl began wondering why her mother had not been carrying her sword with her. She was the best swordsperson in the world! But not even a sword or even her gorgeous looks could save her from the bullet that flew through her heart.

The girl cupped her hand over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. Big, round tears began falling down her cheeks as the rest of the pirates exited the house, merrily laughing and talking. As soon as they were out of sight, she jumped out of her hiding place and scampered down the remainder of the path.

"Mother!" She cried and threw herself upon the corpse, getting blood in her long blonde hair with light caramel streaks in it. Sobs racked her body as she dug her head further into her arms.

After a time, she sat up, her beautiful green eyes somewhat red, but not as red as a normal person's would be after crying as hard. It would detract from her beauty. She looked back to see a ship with black sails far away on the horizon. How she could tell it had black sails from that far away, we have never quiet figured out.

"I will have my revenge on you!" She screamed at the retreating ship. "I, Esmeralda Isabelle Catherine Maryann Victoria Helene Roberta Minnie Gwyneth Ashley Joyce Michelle Sophia Kari Mariah Muriel West, vow to take my revenge on you if it's the last thing I do!"

With that, she stood, leaving her dead mother and headed out towards the ocean.

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"Cap'n!" Gibbs called from the deck below as he quickly made his way up to the helm where Jack stood. "There be a ship on th' horizon."

Jack gave him a confused look as to why this was a big deal. "'Course there's a ship on th' horizon. This is the _ocean_, mate. There are goin' ta be ships in it."

"Aye, but this be another pirate ship," Gibbs explained. "The Nautical Tone, by th' look of it."

"What a bloody name for a pirate ship…" Jack muttered to himself as he stepped away from the helm, leaving Mr. Cotton at it himself. "Ready the cannons, men! We're gettin' our gold back!"

The crew scurried around, loading up the cannons and hoisting the pirate flag. The Nautical Tone was catching up surprisingly fast as it was the second fastest ship in the Caribbean since the Interceptor had been destroyed. It was only a matter of seconds before the two ships were side-by-side, each crew shouting insults and curses at the other.

"Fire!" Jack yelled above his crew's shouts of excitement.

"Fire!" A young female with waist length, blonde hair screamed down to her crew.

It was all a blur of cannon fire and splintering wood. Men shot rifles and pistols at one another as the cannons continued firing. The Nautical Tone's mast fell with a crack and the men of the Pearl immediately began invading the other ship. Jack remained on the Pearl, giving orders and fighting off the scared crew of the Nautical Tone as they attempted to gain access to his ship.

Then suddenly, so as to shorten the time in which the Sue would meet Jack and Will, the battle was over. The crew of the Black Pearl were rather confused at this sudden turn of events, but in this confusion, a woman with long, blonde hair jumped from her hiding place. She screamed like a banshee and began fighting the various members of the Pearl that were still on board her ship.

"Uh, Cap'n?" Gibbs called to Jack, who was still on the Black Pearl. "We got a bit of a problem…"

"What is it?" Jack called back as he approached the side of his ship. And there she was. Her beautiful golden locks flying through the air as fast as her sword, which she was using against his crew. Her green eyes were filled with anger and he somehow knew he had done something to upset her. She wore pirate clothes, but none as he had seen before. They were exceptionally well fitted and revealed her ample cleavage. She was by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And he was immediately disgusted. "Get rid of 'er!"

"Aye, Cap'n!" Gibbs responded and relayed the order to the rest of the crew.

Will managed to knock the sword from her hand, as he was still the better swordsman, and a couple men grabbed her arms and threw her overboard. She yelled up at them to have mercy, but they ignored her as they began stealing back their stolen gold. Finally she silenced just as the crew finished loading the gold onto the Pearl.

"Must've been eaten by a shark," Marty observed shortly after the Pearl freed itself from the Nautical Tone.

"Wouldn't we have heard something like that?" Asked an oddly womanly crew member that none of the other men recalled having on the ship before.

Marty eyed the other man warily, not noticing how closely his clothes hugged his body. In fact, the clothes made him look almost like a girl. But Marty knew this couldn't be. He turned his eyes away from the other man and gave a small shrug.

"Mr. Gibbs," Jack said quietly from across the deck so only the other man could hear him. "When an' where did we pick up that lad?"

"Not sure, Cap'n," Gibbs replied. "Fact I don't even remember him bein' on th' ship b'fore."

It was at that moment that the mysterious boy looked over the side of the ship and screamed out in a girly voice, "Oh look! It's water!"

All eyes were turned on him in shock. It even took Jack a moment to recover before ordering someone to bring the boy to his quarters.

Once they were there, Jack and Gibbs both noticed something eerily familiar about this boy. In fact, they noticed he wasn't even a boy at all! He, er, she was the woman who captained the Nautical Tone.

"'Ow did you manage to become captain of a pirate ship?" Jack asked out of curiosity.

"Simple," she replied and crossed her arms, "after you killed my mother, I set out for the nearest port, which is on the other side of the island. Once I was there, I killed the captain of the Nautical Tone, commanded the crew to obey me, and we set out after you."

"And ye did this in a few hours?" Gibbs asked, clearly confused by how she managed it.

"Yes, two hours, to be exact," she answered.

"Must've traveled fast…" the older man muttered to himself.

"What's yer name?" Jack asked, almost dreading the answer he was sure to get.

"Esmeralda Isabelle," as she spoke, Jack began counting the names on his fingers, "Catherine Maryann Victoria Helene Roberta Minnie Revenge Gwyneth Ashley Joyce Michelle Sophia Kari Mariah Muriel West."

"I know I'll regret this, but _why_ is yer very middle name Revenge?" Jack asked cautiously.

"I put it there because revenge is my motive," she said simply. "But that's only my nickname. My _full_ name is-"

"That'll be enough!" The captain quickly interrupted. "What can we call ya that's not one hundred names?"

"Kelsey," she answered smugly, but had no real reason to be smug.

"But," Gibbs hesitated, "yer name doesn't even 'ave Kelsey in it."

"I know, but I like it. Any more questions?"

Not wanting to be any more confused, Jack dismissed her. She left, happy to be on board the Pearl with the men that killed her mother.

"What are we ta do with 'er?" Gibbs asked.

"Well, we can't throw 'er overboard, we know that much," Jack replied, thinking hard. "We'll 'ave ta think of somethin' that will get rid of 'er forever and I 'ave a feelin' shooting 'er won't kill 'er… Make sure th' men know not ta get too friendly with her, savvy?"

"Aye, Cap'n," Gibbs turned and left Jack to ponder how to successfully kill a Mary-Sue.

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A/N: There you are, the first chapter. I hope everybody liked it! As always, reviews are appreciated.


	2. Changing Eyes and Plot Holes, Oh My!

A/N: Poor Jack. Left to ponder the problem with Sues. That's about to be fixed, though. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates, but I own Kelsey.

Chapter 2

Changing Eyes and Plot Holes, Oh My!

Kelsey, as she will be called from now on, stepped out onto the deck of the Black Pearl. The sun was bright, her hair was blowing dramatically behind her, and she was happy to be alive! The only problem, which she barely remembered since she met the gorgeous captain, was that these very pirates killed her mother. Well, it only seemed to be a problem if she thought of it that way. If she thought of it as-

She was suddenly thrown forward as a door slammed into her back.

"Oh, sorry, lass!" Gibbs exclaimed and knelt down beside her. "Ye a'right?"

"I…" she breathed deeply and dramatically, drawing the whole crew's attention. "I'll be……..fine…"

Her head went limp in Gibbs' arms. When he had actually reached out to hold her, he was not sure, but all he knew now was that he was holding an unconscious woman. His eyes darted around uncertainly then went back to the beautiful creature lying before him. No, Jack had told him not to get too close to this girl! But she was so beautiful…Jack got all the women anyway and he had probably told Gibbs this so as to get this woman for himself…again. It wouldn't hurt anything if Jack didn't get this one, would it? What was Gibbs thinking?! Jack was the captain and could have him marooned for something like this!

Suddenly, her emerald orbs fluttered open, her long, dark lashes waving almost seductively. Gibbs swallowed hard.

"Where…" She looked around, her perfectly shaped brows now furrowed. "Where's the captain?"

"The…Cap'n?" Gibbs said, not fully comprehending what she said because of her beauty. "Oh! The Cap'n! He's still in 'is quarters."

She quickly sat up, already upset about something. She crossed her arms in frustration and sat there on the wet deck, getting the seat of her pants wet.

Gibbs quickly stood, not wanting the crew to see that he went soft for a moment. "If that be all, lass…"

Kelsey waved a hand back at him, still sitting there. Gibbs nodded to himself and glanced up at the captain's door before turning to the crew and barking orders at them once more.

Will, not really being a part of the crew, noticed their newest addition to the crew was upset about something so he went to see if she was alright.

"Are you alright?" Will asked as he knelt beside the sulking woman.

With a dramatic sigh, she uncrossed her arms and turned to him, ready to complain when she noticed how gorgeous he was too. A large smile appeared on her full, red lips as she extended her hand to him, "I'm Kelsey. Who are you?"

Will was taken aback by this but shook her hand anyway. "Uh, I'm Will. Nice to meet you?"

"Oh, yes, it's very nice to meet you Mr. Turner," she babbled on as the two stood.

"Wait. How do you know my last name is Turner?" Will asked suspiciously. "I didn't say it was."

Kelsey's eyes darted from side to side and she was about to offer an explanation when Jack's door opened and out stepped, well, Jack. He immediately took in the scene before him and pulled Will to the side, leaving the Mary-Sue to figure out a reasonable explanation to Will's question.

"What are you doin'?" Jack asked in a low voice. "That…" he pointed to the girl and fumbled for the right word, "_thing_ is a Mary-Sue."

Will's eyes widened as it dawned on him. "No wonder she's so beautiful…"

"William!" Jack slapped him across the face. Suddenly, his face began to sting as well when he realized who he reminded himself of. "Remember you've got a girl. 'Lizbeth wouldn' be 'appy if she found out you were with another woman…"

"Oh, right," Will mumbled as the effects of the Mary-Sue wore off suddenly. "No, Elizabeth wouldn't be too happy…Come to think of it, she's a bit of a Mary-Sue herself…"

"An' one Mary-Sue is enough for any man, savvy?"

"You're right," Will almost cringed at the thought of Jack actually being right about something. "I'll keep my distance. But what are we going to do about her? We can't let her stay or else the crew won't be able to work for staring at her."

"I'm workin' on that," Jack said as he glanced over the other man's shoulder at the woman. She waved cheerily. "Make sure th' crew keep away from her."

Will nodded and Jack headed up to the helm, leaving poor, innocent Will alone with the Mary-Sue. She rushed up to him as soon as he turned around. "Oh, Will, you will keep me company today, won't you? I'm too frail and delicate to work as part of the crew."

"I, uh," Will stammered, trying to think of a polite way to refuse.

"Ms. uh…Sue!" Jack called from the helm. "Since yer stayin' on me ship, you'll work as part o' me crew, savvy? No free rides even fer you."

"Aye, Cap'n!" She yelled back, suddenly acquiring a pirate accent as if she had been on the sea her whole life when, in fact, today had been her first day on a ship.

"Maybe she'll die from exhaustion…" Jack muttered to himself as he twisted the wheel to the left.

Kelsey immediately left Will and began knotting a rope, though she had no previous experience. She hurried about the deck doing this and that, all the while keeping one eye on Jack and one eye on Will which proved to be difficult considering the men were on completely opposite ends of the ship. What she had to continually do was jerk her head to one side then to the other in order to watch both of them. If the pirates knew anything about whiplash, they would have asked if she had it, but they were too consumed with her beauty to bother asking such a question or to notice her odd behavior.

It was during this time that Kelsey made a fatal error. Not to herself, of course, but to a member of Jack's crew.

She was untying a rope that ran from the mast down to the rail so she could retie it when Will walked by. She stopped what she was doing to watch him walk by. With a dreamy sigh, she turned back to her work only to realize she had let go of the rope. A man up on the mast screamed as he was thrown into the ocean and the crew rushed over to her.

"Wha' happened?" Gibbs asked frantically. "Ya not hurt, are ye?"

"No, I'm fine," she said as tears began to gather in her large, green eyes. They glistened in the sunlight, making her looked more helpless than she already did. "I-I…"

"No, it's a'right," Marty comforted from atop the rail so as to gain some height.

"It's not!" She cried and threw her head down on Marty's shoulder. "I just killed a man!"

"Aye, an' one o' me best men!" Jack stated angrily from the back of the crowd. The men separated and Jack walked up to the Sue. She looked up at him helplessly and sank to the deck slowly. Then, ever so slightly, her lower lip began to tremble.

Jack glanced away and nodded to Will, who was standing nearby in the group. Will nodded back as if in some secret gesture and Jack pulled out his pistol and aimed it at Kelsey. Her eyes widened in horror just as Jack fired. The bullet lodged itself directly in her chest and she fell over backwards. The crew stood on in shock and wonder at how he could kill a creature so beautiful.

"Go on, men!" Jack ordered as he turned back to his crew. "Nothin' ta see!"

Gibbs hesitantly turned from his captain and motioned the crew to move on. After they cleared away, Jack reached down to grab the Sue and throw her overboard, but she lifted her head and he yelped and jumped back.

"What the-" Jack began.

"I'll be alright…" she wheezed and slowly began dragging herself to the hatch in the center of the deck.

Jack and Will watched in horror as she dragged herself down the stairs. Both their mouths hung wide open and their eyes were wide.

"If I didn' know better," Jack said when he finally could speak which was after she was out of sight, "I'd think she's been in Cortez's treasure…"

Will nodded. "How are we going to kill her now? You shot her in her heart. At least you shot where her heart should be."

The other man only shook his head. It was then that a blonde head popped up from the hatch. It turned to face Jack and Will and smiled happily. It was Kelsey again, but something looked different about her. She scampered up the stairs and over to Jack and shoved her face uncomfortably close to his, causing him to lean back.

"I know you didn't mean to shoot me," she breathed heavily, trying to act seductive.

"I didn'?" Jack asked cautiously, glancing behind him to see how much room he had to back up if need be.

"No," she absentmindedly placed her small hand on his chest. He took a step back and looked at Will pleadingly. The blacksmith only stood by with a small smile on his face, trying not to laugh. "You were aiming for the shark in the water, but you missed and shot me instead." It was only at this point that Jack realized what was different about her. Her green eyes had turned purple from her mystical healing powers. He could swear that was not natural. "But it's alright. I forgive you."

Her face was getting closer and closer by the second. She closed her eyes and leaned forward, expecting a kiss, but Jack pushed her back quickly.

"If I had meant ta shoot a shark behind ya, I wouldn't 'ave missed, savvy?" He said sternly, not wanting anyone doubting his marksmanship.

Her now purple eyes widened in dismay. "Aren't you going to sweep me off my feet and attempt taking me to your cabin? And, Will, aren't you going to attack Jack in a fit of jealousy?"

"We've only known you for a few minutes," Will pointed out. "You just got on this ship, remember?"

"Oh…" she frowned. She had not expected her own plot hole to come back and bite her. If everything had gone as planned, which it had always did for her, they would not have remembered, nor cared, how recently they met her.

"Aye, an' now yer wantin' ta sleep with th' man who ordered yer mother-" Jack began, but Kelsey only heard the words "sleep with the man."

"Jack, I'm not that kind of girl!" She stated indignantly, but still grabbed his hand and began dragging him towards his own cabin.

"Bloody woman!" Jack shouted at her as he looked over his shoulder. "Will! Help!"

Will was in hysterics at his friend's predicament. Kelsey only paused momentarily to frown back at him for not attacking Jack in a fit of jealousy, but quickly continued on to her destination. She jerked open the door and tugged Jack in and shut the door behind her.

"What th' bloody heck are you thinkin', woman?!" Jack yelled at her, ignoring her lower lip that was beginning to quiver. "I'm th' captain of this ship an' no woman's goin' ta tell me when-"

"You don't love me!" She screamed and sank to the floor in front of the door. Sobs shook her body as she continued wailing on.

Suddenly Gibbs, hearing Jack's shouts and her screams, threw open the door which caused Kelsey to be thrown to the other side of the room. He poked his head in, keeping his head bowed and his eyes cast well on the floor.

"Cap'n?" He asked cautiously. "Are ye…decent?"

With an exasperated sigh, Jack replied, "Aye, Gibbs, we're both _decent_."

Upon hearing this, Gibbs lifted his eyes to see Jack standing before him. At first he did not see Kelsey, but when he stepped in he could see her crying on the floor where he had thrown her when he opened the door. "Why is she…cryin'?"

"Because Jack doesn't love me!" She wailed readily and this brought on more sobs.

Gibbs cast a confused look to Jack who nodded simply in response. "S'a long story, Gibbs…I'll explain later."

Gibbs nodded in mild confusion and turned and left the two alone. Jack, hesitant to leave Kelsey alone in _his _room, stood where he was, glancing at her then to the door again. Finally deciding that she could not possibly create too much chaos to the man she supposedly loved, he walked towards the door.

"No!" Kelsey cried and threw herself between him and the door. Jack noticed that her eyes were now a deep blue instead of purple.

"Why do yer bloody eyes keep changin' color?" He demanded impatiently.

"My…eyes?" She asked, wondering why he was not apologizing profusely for upsetting her. "They change colors with my emotions or when I use my magic. Blue for when I'm sad, green when I'm normal and happy, red when I'm angry, purple when I heal somebody, yellow when I'm thinking really hard, orange-"

"A'right! I get it!" He interrupted, not wanting to know any more. "Now move out o' my way."

"No," she stated simply and sat Indian style with her arms crossed. "Persuade me."

"I'm th' only one who can say that, missy, now move!" Jack reached out and grabbed her arm and began forcibly dragging her out of his way. Then, before she could leap back in front of the door, he rushed out of it.

"Done already, Cap'n?" A man with dark skin asked upon seeing his captain exit his cabin so quickly.

"I should shoot you for that," Jack threatened the man and left him to ponder what he had said wrong. He turned and shrugged to the man standing next to him and they both chuckled at Jack's touchiness about the subject.

Jack hurried around the deck, trying to find Will and a decent place to hide so the two could talk in peace without the worry of Kelsey interrupting them. He finally found Will and dragged him below deck, giving the excuse of needing rum. Now.

"But, Jack, you know I don't drink rum unless I have to!" Will objected as he was dragged further below deck to where his friend kept his stash of rum. "And I really don't think you need any right now either!"

Jack whirled around, beads and hair flying. He opened his mouth to say something, but turned back around and continued to drag Will along.

"Besides, you need your head clear so you can decide how to kill this Sue," the blacksmith continued as Jack unlocked a door, pulled Will in after him, and locked it back.

"William, she loves me!" Jack hissed quickly and quietly.

"Who? Kelsey?" Will furrowed his brows at the sudden subject change.

"Aye, an' I can't kill 'er," the pirate continued. "She 'as…powers."

"Well…" Will continued slowly, "what do you do with all the other women who say they love you?"

"Leave them," Jack stated simply. When his friend did not speak, he added, "But they're always on land. This one's on me ship!"

After a moment of thinking, Will said, "We could always try to maroon her somewhere."

Jack's face lit up at the thought. "Somewhere without sea turtles!"

"Sure…" the other man nodded, not wanting to tell Jack that there were sea turtles almost everywhere.

"Thanks, mate!" Jack grinned broadly, taking a bottle of rum from the wall before exiting the room.

Will shook his head and chuckled to himself as he turned the door knob. His smile disappeared when the knob would not turn. He quickly turned it the other way, but again it would not budge.

"Jack?" He called. "Jack! Unlock this door!"

He waited a moment and heard quick footsteps. Then the lock clinked loudly and the door opened to reveal Jack with the rum bottle in one hand and the keys in the other.

"Sorry, mate," he said as his friend hurried out of the room.

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A/N: To be continued. Ok, yeah, you knew that. Please review!


	3. Will and the Sue

A/N: Woo! I'm back! Again! Yeah, well, on with the chapter!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I'll never own Pirates. But I own Kelsey. I like to make fun of her.

Chapter 3

Will and the Sue

Jack poked his head up through the hatch in the center of the ship and looked around cautiously. The crew was still at work. Some men were joking about Jack's quick "session" with Kelsey, which made him mad because he had not done a thing to her other than make her cry. Finally, reliable Gibbs stepped in.

"She was cryin' an' 'e was standin' there," Gibbs explained. Jack felt proud to have a first mate that would set the story straight for him. "I opened th' door an' I guess I scared 'im off before he could do anythin'."

Jack's pride fell faster than the man that had fallen from the mast earlier and a frown appeared on his face.

"Jack?" Came Will's voice from behind him. Jack turned to the man. "Is she there?"

"Can't see 'er," Jack replied and stepped out onto deck and hollered, "A'right, men! Set course for land!"

The men cast confused gazes at him.

"Any land in particular, Cap'n?" Gibbs asked hesitantly.

"No, jus' any land," Jack replied casually as he walked away and took a drink of his rum. Will stepped onto the deck and watched the man open the door to his room and enter.

"Th' Kraken's not after us, is it?" Gibbs asked quickly, a scared expression was present on his face. "Th' last time Jack wanted any land-"

Suddenly there was a loud yell from Jack's quarters followed by a woman's screams. The men rushed to the door, but it was Will who got there first. He reached for the knob just as everything went silent. Gibbs placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder and nodded for him to open it. Will slowly turned the knob and opened the door.

Jack stood on his bed, his back pressed against the wall and Kelsey stood at the end of his sword, her now yellow eyes darting from the sword to the men at the door. Glancing up quickly at his crew he shouted, "Well what are ya bloody waitin' for, get 'er out o' my cabin!"

Gibbs tore his eyes away from Kelsey and hurried to her and gently grabbed her arm. "Come on, lass, th' cap'n 'as work ta do."

"I'll say I do!" Jack affirmed as he slowly sheathed his sword. Kelsey looked up helplessly at him before allowing herself to be dragged out of the room. As soon as she was gone, Jack let out a relieved sigh and sank to his bed. At the sound of his door closing, he turned his head to see Will still standing there. "That was a close one…"

"A close what?" Will asked, puzzled.

"Not sure, but whatever it was, it was close," Jack said as he got off his bed and stood.

Will shrugged to himself. "So how come her eyes were yellow this time?"

Jack gave him a look that questioned his sanity. "Do you really believe I would ask…_again_?"

"Just wondering," the other man replied just as the door to the room swung open. Jack defensively drew his sword and pointed at the intruder.

"S'only me!" Gibbs exclaimed quickly.

"Oh…right." Jack put his sword back and motioned for the man to come in. Gibbs entered further and shut the door behind him.

"I was wantin' ta know what ye wanted us ta do with th' lass," he explained.

Jack mulled over the thought for a moment before saying, "Put 'er in th' brig."

Gibbs' eyes widened and his mouth dropped at the thought of putting such a beautiful creature away. "But, Cap'n-"

"Now, Gibbs, don't argue with me," Jack held up a hand. "She won't be alone."

"What do ya mean?" The other man asked.

"Yes, what _do_ you mean?" Will asked, looking curiously at his friend.

"You'll be with 'er," Jack stated, addressing Will.

"Me?!" The man exclaimed.

"Him?" Gibbs asked, enough disappointment present in his voice for Jack to give him a funny look.

"Aye, him," Jack confirmed, spinning both men around towards the door and pushing them along. "You see, William 'as quite a few questions he'd like to have answered. Such as th' matter of 'er eyes changing colors an' why she won't die… That kind of thing."

"I don't want to know that badly!" Will cried, but it was too late. Jack had already opened the door and shoved both of them out and quickly slammed it behind them. Will turned to jerk the door open again, but stopped when he heard his friend lock it. "Jack, you can't do this to me!"

"I can an' will, William," came the muffled reply.

Will groaned to himself and turned to see Gibbs looking at him curiously. "Ye…don't find 'er beautiful?"

Torn between his faithfulness for Elizabeth and having to lie, Will did the only sensible thing. He dodged the truth. "Uh, well, you see… I didn't say she wasn't beautiful."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow, but stayed silent, as if waiting for the other man to continue, but neither spoke. Finally, the older man shrugged. "Fine. Lets get ya down t' th' brig."

He turned and began leading the way. Will grudgingly followed behind him, mentally vowing to get revenge on Jack for putting him through this. He was not yet sure how he would exact this revenge, but he was going to get it somehow.

The two climbed down the stairs with Gibbs holding a lantern out in front of them. Will's stomach tightened with dread about having to be left all alone with a Mary-Sue. The man just knew something bad was going to happen. He had never been alone with her before. But Jack had and everything had been fine, so maybe this was all in his head.

"Ms. Kelsey, ye 'ave company," Gibbs said quietly to the girl, a hint of jealousy reaching Will's ears.

From his position around the corner, Will could not be seen by the Sue, but he could hear her sigh in defeat and say weakly, "You've been so good to me, Mr. Gibbs. You're almost like the father I never had."

"Ye never had a father?" Gibbs asked, concern taking the place of jealousy now.

"I don't remember him," Kelsey said sadly. "Mother said he was a good man. Well known in the community-"

"I thought ye lived alone on yer side o' th' island…" the man mused more to himself than anyone else.

"Well…" she hesitated, trying her best to come up with a solution to her problem. "Mother said he used to go to the other side of the island," then she added quietly, "I think…"

"What 'appened to 'im?" Gibbs asked, becoming wrapped up in her past.

"He was killed. Nobody knows why. He just went out one day and that was it. He never came back."

"Tha's 'orrible," Gibbs said quietly after several seconds.

"But you're like a father to me," she repeated. "So kind and gentle, never wanting to hurt me…"

"Thank ye, lass. I'm proud to be like yer father."

Will rolled his eyes. But maybe if she kept Gibbs distracted by talk of her father, Will could sneak away and not have to be alone with her. He peered around the corner. Gibb's back was to him and Kelsey's forehead was pressed against the rusty bars of the cell, her now blue-green eyes cast to the floor. The man quickly turned and began to sneak away when he heard her ask, "So who was it that came down to see me?"

"Oh, right," Gibbs said, jerking back to reality. Thoughts fluttered through his head so fast he could hardly remember who he had brought down here with him. Finally, he recalled who Jack had ordered to be taken down here. "Jack said ta bring Will down 'ere. Said 'e had a lot ta ask ya."

Will sighed in defeat and slowly rounded the corner. Kelsey's eyes, now back to being emerald green, brightened up at the sight of the other man she loved.

"Will!" She said excitedly. She quickly stood and brushed off her clothes as Gibbs set the lantern down on a crate and left the two. "You came to see _me_?"

"More like Jack made me come down here," he mumbled to himself, but she did not seem to notice.

"I'm so glad you've come to see me," she continued, smiling widely the whole time. "You see, it gets so lonely down here with no one to talk to."

Will managed not to point out the fact that she had only been down here less than five minutes. He merely pulled a barrel over to the adjacent cell and sat there, not wanting to get too close. "I guess since I'm down here, I'll go ahead and ask you a couple questions."

"Go right ahead," she said as she scooted the old wooden stool that was in her cell closer to the bars.

"Why won't you die?" He asked and then quickly added. "And why are your eyes…that color? Whatever color it is…"

"Oh, are my eyes pink?" She asked, but he merely shrugged, not knowing what the color pink looked like.**(1) **"Pink means I'm in love. And baby am I in love!"

Will shifted uncomfortably in his seat. She noticed his squirming and asked, "Oh, are you uncomfortable? This side of the ship is a lot better."

Will paused to consider his options a moment. He could either stay on this side of the room where he knew she could not reach him but where the cell bars hurt his back, or he could move a bit closer and not be so uncomfortable. He chose the latter.

"You're probably right," he said, standing and looking around for a better place to sit.

Kelsey watched him closely as he stepped around to the side of her cell. Carefully, she stretched her arms behind her head then stuck them through the bars and allowed them to rest there. Will jumped back quickly at her sudden movement, but she shrugged innocently, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Will, you have no reason to worry," she stated, now staring down at the floor and absentmindedly fingering her cell's lock.

"And why's that?" He asked, eyeing her cautiously as he took his seat back where he originally started. Common sense told him that he had been stupid to go looking for another seat, especially that close to her cell, but he had been lucky not to get grabbed or worse: kissed.

"I'm a weak, pitiful girl and you're a strong, handsome man," she answered, now tracing the outline of the lock with the tip of her left index finger. "You have no reason to worry if I grab you. You can easily get away because you're so strong. I won't be able to hold onto you for long."

Will did not respond. He watched her several seconds before looking away, now mentally searching for a better place to sit.

Kelsey glanced up at him and slowly pulled a white handkerchief out of her pocket and tossed it to the floor just outside her cell. "Oops!"

Will's wandering eyes darted back to her. "What?"

"Could you get that for me?" She asked, pointing down at the now slightly wet handkerchief.

The man hesitated a moment before slowly standing and carefully reaching for it, keeping his eyes on her the whole time.

"I'm so clumsy," she smiled apologetically.

Will groped for the handkerchief, now sure he was very close to it, but he did not want to take his eyes off her just in case. Finally, after several seconds of reaching and groping unsuccessfully, he pulled his eyes away from her, but that second was all she needed. Just as Will noticed she had pulled the handkerchief back into the cell with her foot, he felt her grab his shirt and quickly pull him up. His eyes widened in horror, but she only smiled innocently.

"Oh, don't worry Will," she said calmly. "You'll love me after this and go dump that old Elizabeth for me. I just know it."

"Let me go!" Will shouted, trying to break her grip on his shirt, but it was no use. She pulled him closer until he was pressed up against the bars and slowly closed her eyes. Will jerked and tugged and tried to get away, but knew he was making no progress. Her face was getting closer and closer until it could get no closer. She touched…the cell bars.

Kelsey opened her eyes in confusion and Will sighed in relief, for once thankful for the cell's bars. Still trying to kiss Will into forgetting about Elizabeth, Kelsey attempted to push her face through the bars, but Will pulled his head back.

Kelsey huffed in frustration and let go if Will, who immediately scrambled to the other side of the room. "It's not fair!"

"It's very fair," Will said, breathing hard and trying to smooth out the front of his shirt.

Kelsey's now red eyes shot to him, giving the man chills. "It's not fair!"

Will, hoping to divert her frustration, asked, "Why are you eyes red now?"

"I'm mad, that's why!" She shouted, not wasting being sweet on him anymore. "I tried to be nice to you! I tried to be nice to all of you!" She was now pacing inside her cell, making Will increasingly uncomfortable. "But noooooo. You all hate me except for the stupid crew and who really cares if they like me? I want you and Jack to love me and have a bitter fight over me!"

Will finally stood and picked up the lantern, determined to leave so maybe she could cool down on her own.

"You can't get far before I get you," she stated, her voice now eerily calm. Though he dreaded to stay a second longer, Will turned to see she was holding onto the cell door.

"What do you mean?" He asked cautiously. It was then that Will's heart stopped beating.

Kelsey pushed the door to her cell open easily, the rusty hinges squeaking lazily. As she stepped out, she explained, "You see, I convinced them that they did not need to lock the door because I'm such a pitiful, weak girl. And they believed me."

"I wish they hadn't," Will mumbled to himself as he dropped the lantern and turned and began to run.

Kelsey let out a scream similar to the one she had released on the Nautical Tone and lunged after Will.

-------

Jack pulled out his compass and stared at the arrow as it swiveled this way and that. He had had a similar problem when he was trying to locate Davy Jones chest because he did not know then what he truly wanted. This time he knew he wanted land, but he could not decide on which land. He could not make this decision hastily because he wanted to be sure that when they deserted Kelsey she could not hitch a ride on another ship and come after them. Killing her was his first option, but he had already tried shooting her and that had not worked.

Sighing, he put the compass back into his pocket and leaned back in his chair, trying to think of another way to kill the Sue. He had almost come up with a brilliant idea, or so he thought, when he heard a knock on his door.

"Aye?" He called to whoever it was on the other side.

The door swung open and Gibbs stepped in looking rather worried, but over what, Jack did not know. "Uh, Cap'n, remember 'ow ye told me to take Will down t' th' brig?"

"Aye," Jack replied, sitting forward with furrowed brows. "An' what of it?"

"Well, me an' th' crew were out on th' deck an' we heard somethin'," he answered.

"What'd ya hear?" Jack asked.

"Uh, well, I know it wasn't just me 'cause Marty heard it too an' 'e was across th' deck an' several other heard it an' they-"

"Mr. Gibbs," Jack stated flatly. "What did you hear?"

"Well, sir, it was…" he paused for a moment, trying to figure out a way to put it that would not sound as worrisome. "It was scream."

"A scream?" The other man questioned.

"Aye, it sounded like it was from below deck."

"Bloody Sue…" Jack muttered to himself as he stood and placed his hat back on his head. "C'mon, Gibbs, I'm not going down there alone."

Jack lead the way out of his cabin and onto the deck to see several men standing around looking rather worried over what might have happened to their beautiful passenger. Not wanting to even bother comforting them over possibly loosing a Mary-Sue, which he considered a good thing, Jack waved at them to move out of his way as he continued across the deck. He started down the hatch and grabbed the nearest lantern and continued on his way, now aware that every man in his crew was probably following him now.

Finally, he whirled around and Mr. Gibbs almost ran into him. Jack pushed the other man back and held up the lantern to examine his followers. "Everybody's come ta see what 'appened to yer beloved except for Marty, eh?"

"I'm here too, Cap'n," came Marty's voice from somewhere in the crowd.

"Oh," Jack stated plainly then added, "So no one's come to see 'ow dear William's faired?"

A moment of silence followed the question before some men muttered their half-hearted consent just to humor their captain. Jack raised an eyebrow and turned and continued on. The men pressed close to the front, but did not pass him as they rounded the corner to where the cells were.

For the most part, everything looked normal. The cells were intact and nothing was missing that any of the crew could tell at a glance. But there was something very wrong and all noticed it from the start. Both cell doors were wide open and Will and Kelsey were nowhere to be seen.

"Oh," Jack said as he continued looking around. "That was unexpected."

Gibbs picked up the lantern he had left for Will that was now lying on its side on the floor. "What do ye think happened to 'im?"

"Don't know," Jack replied. Thinking fast, he turned to the crew. "Men, we're missing a eunuch and yer beloved Kelsey. They're somewhere on this ship an' its up ta you to find 'em. Whoever finds 'em first gets to be locked up in a cell with Kelsey."

Without waiting to see if he had more to say, the crew was off in a mad hunt for Kelsey and Will. Gibbs set down the lantern and was starting to hurry off in search of them as well, but Jack grabbed him by the shirt. The older man turned back and gave him a confused look.

"With William captured, I'll need someone ta guard me at all times, savvy?" He explained. "That thing will be after me soon enough and I'll be a prisoner on me own ship…again."

"Don't you want someone else to guard ye?" Gibbs asked desperately, wanting more than anything to be locked up in the cell with Kelsey all to himself.

"Nope," Jack replied with a grin at how obsessed his friend was with the idea. "Come back up on deck with me an' we'll try ta figure out 'ow ta get Will back and get rid o' Kelsey."

Gibbs' eyes widened in horror. "Ye don't mean it, do you?"

"Getting Will back?" Jack asked, giving his friend a confused look. "Well, I admit he's in the way a lot an' he's a eunuch, but-"

"No, about Kelsey," the older man clarified.

"Oh," Jack paused. "Yep, meant every word."

With that, he whirled around and began walking off, leaving Gibbs standing there horrified at the thought of getting rid of her. It was not until Jack called for him to come with him that Gibbs moved.

None of them knew that some one had been watching their every move and listening to their every word.

-------

A/N: Sorry for taking so long updating. I got stuck at one part and couldn't figure out how to write around it, but hopefully it's all good now. But anyway, about that **(1)** you saw earlier:

"Oh, are my eyes pink?" She asked, but he merely shrugged, not knowing what the color pink looked like.----Well, pink wasn't actually a recognized color until later years. It was just a washed out version of red and people didn't think of it as a separate color, so that's why Will wouldn't know what the color pink was. But of course a Sue would because, well, she's a Sue and that would be a mistake on the writer's part to accidentally put something about pink into a story about Pirates. Mine was intentional for the purposes of making fun of a Mary-Sue.

Hope that clears up some possible confusion. Please review!


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